Why am I still not married?

Dear Readers,

 

This article highlights some of the issues we have within society.  Comments will be welcomed on what can we do to help our single brothers and sisters to find their spouse.

 

Why am I still not married?
I remember the chagrin and inner turmoil of being single and hopeful of marriage, back during my early twenties! Even after almost a decade of marriage, I still vividly remember the constant roller-coaster of emotions that the heart experiences every time a marriage proposal is negotiated.

One thinks: Is this the one?
Will this family/person be my future spouse/in-laws?

Sometimes the marriage negotiation process painstakingly goes on for months, only to culminate in nothing. Up go one’s dreams, hopes and aspirations about the future into thin air! Once again, it is back to square one.

Whether a young, single Muslim is a man or woman, if they are ardently desirous of completing half their Deen, the anguish and frustration (including sexual angst) they feel whenever another year of their life passes by without any impending nuptials on the horizon is, contrary to gender-discriminating cultural myths, similarly disconcerting and unnerving. Wherever in the world they might be, as the years pass and the number of fruitless marriage proposals grows, the singleton might begin to feel despondent and worn down by this trial of patience in their quest of completing half their Deen.

So what should one tell a young forlorn wannabe bride or groom when they justifiably ask:

“Why am I still unmarried?”

First of All: There Is Nothing Wrong with You!
Although self-confidence is, admittedly, an effective catalyst in finding a spouse, believe me when I tell you that you are not ugly, weird, unattractive, or unworthy of marriage! Allah Ta'ala created the beautiful, unique you, and if He decrees it, someone out there will agree to marry you just the way you are. So do not despair of Allah’s mercy, and remain positive that someone out there will like you and agree to marry you, insha’Allah. Even if you begin to believe that being short, overweight, shy or acne-skinned is a negative thing going against your favor in the marriage market, it is not, because a certain criteria of looks or education is not a pre-requisite for marriage, contrary to what older people might say.

Look around you at recently married or even older couples. Are all of them very good looking? Don’t both of the partners seem to have at least one physical defect or blemish? Does everyone you know in your social circle, who recently got married, look like they stepped off a fashion runway?

You will find a wide variety of “real couples” who break every stereotype in the book (and please, refrain from looking at celebrity couples and famous people!): husbands who are shorter than their wives; wives who are older than their husbands; cross-cultural marriages that are refreshingly functional; infertile couples who are very happily married; men who are in love with their plus-size or dark-skinned wives; wives who are more educated than their husbands; the list is endless. Never let others make you feel that if you are thirty-something and still not married, it is because either there is something wrong with you, or because Allah Ta'ala has decreed for you to forever remain single.

Divine Wisdom behind Perceived “Delays” in Marriage
In a world that is increasingly pressurizing everyone, from babies and children to adults, to achieve their personal milestones in life as early as possible, a righteous and single Muslim who is in his or her late twenties, thirties or forties might find themselves the target of unwarranted social stigmatization and cruel speculation:

“Why doesn’t anyone take a liking to her? Do you think she intimidates suitors because she is over-educated?”
“Do you think there is magic involved? Should we visit a spiritual specialist to find out?”
“Maybe he is socially awkward? Or could it be that big bald spot on his head that chases proposals away?”

Unless a single person is outright opposed to the idea of marriage for personal reasons, most of us tend to forget the natural law/principle that applies universally: everyone is different, and they come into this world with a different, unique, preordained decree. So, while most young people, Muslim or not, are able to find a spouse and get married in their teens or twenties, there is no unspoken or written rule that lays down a certain prerequisite age-range for the union, beyond which it supposedly becomes impossible for a person to marry, and be written off as “off the market or off the calender”.

Marriage can take place at any age in life, even at 50 or 60, as Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and many of his companions practically demonstrated.

It is also a fact that marriage will not happen within the first 2 or 3 decades of life for every one of us. So we should give more leeway and refrain from making blanket, generalized statements about our older, single brothers and sisters.

Becoming Mature and Responsible Enough First
It is not that Allah Ta'ala is not answering your du’as. Maybe He has already accepted your du’as for marriage with a righteous person, but it will actually happen practically after a few more years, when it is best and easiest for you to enter this sacred union with that person.

One of the main reasons why Allah Ta'ala might be delaying your marriage is to reach certain level of physical, intellectual, financial and emotional maturity. He knows everything about you that even you do not know, which is called ‘the Unseen’, or “ghaib” in Arabic.

Maybe He knows that were you to marry right now, within three months as you wish to, you will not succeed at married life because you are still too mentally immature, emotionally insecure, or financially unstable.

Maybe Allah Ta'ala is actually being kind towards you by delaying your marriage until the time is best – and surely none can know what He knows, for He sees ahead in our hidden futures – so rest assured, it doesn’t matter in the long run if you get married at 25 or 35, as long as it is a happy, productive and loving marriage, to the right person, who becomes your pillar of support in Deen and accelerates your quest for success in the Hereafter.

Da’wah Experience and Acquisition of Knowledge
There are some blessings and experiences in life that are more time dependent than others to be availed optimally e.g. seeking Islamic knowledge, which is best done in the early years of one’s life, when the brain and memory work better, and a person is more mentally alert and active.

Seeking Islamic knowledge can become more difficult after one takes on the responsibilities of marriage on one’s shoulders. This is because your spouse and children have Shar’i rights upon you, because of which you cannot tear yourself away from them for too long in order to devote yourself to seeking and imparting knowledge full-time.

Perhaps Allah Ta'ala wants you to seek more knowledge and engage in more active da’wah work before you settle down in married life. These precious years of your youth will never return, and insha’Allah, decades down the road, a more mature and wise you will cherish, like a priceless gem, every year of experience that you acquired in the fields of Islamic knowledge and da’wah before getting married.

Perhaps, later on, you might even thank Allah Ta'ala for giving you the free time and opportunity to gain knowledge of Islam before tying the knot, after practically witnessing the numerous benefits of applying that fruitful knowledge to your married life later on.

Better than Early Divorce
Many young people get married very early, only to get quickly divorced for a variety of reasons, emerging from the whole experience bitter and emotionally hurt, with painful marks on their psyche that take a long time to heal.

Many who have a child from such a marriage have to endure acrimonious feuds with their exes over child custody and alimony, and thenceforth face the challenges of being a single parent. They are left with many regrets, many painful memories, and much disdain if not outright hatred towards the institution of marriage in general. It often takes young divorcés several years to heal from their first bad experience, and become mentally ready to get married again.

It could be that your being single, which is a painful trial of patience in your eyes, is a blessing in disguise that is acting as a barrier between you and worse calamities and adversities. Perhaps all your earnest du’as for getting married, about which you might be wondering why they are not being answered by God, are actually averting from you graver problems and pitfalls that you are not even aware of.

Perhaps your single status is a great blessing, but in a way that only Allah Ta'ala knows, and you know not.


So rejoice that you are still single and desirous of getting married; that you are not a bitter divorcé who is sexually frustrated yet adamant about never getting married again!

Increase in Humility
Do you remember an “alpha” boy or girl in your school or college, who was undeniably good-looking, inexplicably popular, and always in-demand with the opposite gender? Everyone in your class was probably convinced that he or she would be the first to get married, based on the number of proposals that came their way throughout high school and college.

I can think of at least two such girls I was acquainted with back in my student days, who were unanimously considered the most desirable for marriage among our lot, and the rest of us girls presumed, sighing with wishful, self-depreciating conviction, that they’d be the first to tie the knot.

Yet, that didn’t happen. As the years passed, the bitter disappointment that these ‘alpha’ young women felt about their continuing single status was exacerbated by the fact that many of their peers who were considered apparently less attractive and “worthy” than them got married first, and that too to decent, nice men who kept them happy.

The wisdom behind this decree? By the time these good-lookers actually did tie the knot, they were much more humble and less full of themselves. A welcome landing back down on earth! The lesson that we all can learn from this apparent disparity in cause-and-effect.

A delay in marriage increases one’s humility, and makes one more down-to-earth and approachable by others. It also ensures that one constantly keeps turning to Allah in earnest du’as - which is something that Allah loves about His slaves!

Conclusion: Blessings Received after Hardship Are Cherished More
The more one waits for, works hard for, and remains patient for acquiring a blessing, the more one cherishes it after one receives it.


The fatally ill person who gets miraculously cured will live cautiously once he becomes healthy. The pauper will spend his money wisely once he becomes wealthy. The child deprived of education will value knowledge more when he grows up. So, too, will the older single person cherish their marriage, spouse and children more, once they get married and by then these precious blessings will be so much more worth the wait!

New Nikahs and the Quest for Blessings - Part Two

New Nikahs and the Quest for Blessings - Part Two

Firstly, the copious sums of money often at the expense of borrowing on interest are completely against the very essence of Shari'ah. Even a cursory study of the life of Nabi Sallallaahu Alayhi Wa Sallam and the Sahaaba Radhiyallahu Anhum will convince one of the fact that Nikah is not an occasion when the Shari'ah encourages or even tolerates spending greatly. Nabi Sallallaahu Alayhi Wa Sallam in essence advised us that the more you spend, the less Barakah and reward you will get; Consider his words: "That Nikah receives the most Barakah (Blessings and Acceptance) where the least expense in incurred." (Mishkat)

One need not comment on the folly of those who say: "It is my only child and I must make this wedding something to remember. No expense will be spared. Molvi Saheb make Dua that Allah gives Barakah." Such a request for Dua is tantamount to standing in a downpour and asking the Moulana Saheb to make Dua that you don't get wet.

Then we have to have the appropriate music or musical ‘nasheeds’ to create the perfect ambience, the bride must be paraded in her full beauty  for all and sundry and not forgetting the professional photographers to capture this once in a lifetime moment.

We often hear of the marriages of Fathima Radhiyallahu Anha and Aaisha Radhiyallahu Anha. Our hearts are softened and we are taken aback by the beauty and simplicity of these marriages. Yet when the opportunity comes for us to emulate their marriages we opt for something that goes against their very grain.

If we wish to travel to the north it would be folly for us to travel on the road leading south. May Allah Ta'ala open our eyes to the reality and save us from the Fitnas of the past, Aameen.

New Nikahs and the Quest for Blessings - Part One

New Nikahs and the Quest for Blessings - Part One

“The moment I have anticipated and dreamt of for years has finally come. Soon I will actually witness the nuptials of my beloved child. My heart is also filled with a trickling of fear and apprehension. How I hope and pray that my son/daughter will be happy and that the couple will prove compatible and build a home filled with love, laughter and joy. All I want is that my child must be happy. I realise that all these unspoken ambitions lie solely in the hands of Allah Ta’ala who is the sole and supreme power. How I pray and beg Allah Ta’ala to anoint this occasion of my child’s Nikah with Barakah (blessing) and special mercies from Him.”

Thus far we see a brief picture of the conflict of emotions and aspirations that go through the minds of all parents at this vital juncture in the lives of their children. Finally all their thoughts culminate in the stark realization that in a matter so delicate as marriage, where two completely different personalities are being joined, surely the success of such a tremendous venture lies solely in the hands of Allah Ta'ala and every attempt must be made to ensure that His blessings and acceptance grace this critical juncture of our children's lives. With all this one cannot possibly imagine how these very same parents, who actually have the good of their children at heart, go about this occasion with tireless zeal ensuring that every ingredient found in this Nikah ensures that absolutely no Barakah graces this occasion.

to be continued...

Holidays can be fun

HOLIDAYS CAN BE REAL FUN!!!
Some ways of making your kids vacation more fun & rewarding…

Dad what can I do next???...Mum I’m BORED!!! For parents vacations can be really demanding keeping our children occupied. Vacations pose a great challenge for many parents. However holidays can be great fun if parents are positive, creative and interactive. Also during the vacation there is a good opportunity to recharge our kid’s spiritual batteries and start afresh in daily activities. It is a joyous period and a unique break from our busy schedules. We should welcome vacations for its fun.

The excitement surrounding vacations and family trips usually kicks off with strong excitement. However, after only a short time away from the daily routines of school, one phrase parents dread hearing begins to creep into the language of children almost instinctively: "I'M BORED"!

There are so many things to do and so many activities that only require a small amount of creative thinking and even less effort to organize. Children are highly impressionably and intelligent individuals. Their energy and creativity needs to be nurtured and stimulated during all waking hours (Whoosh! And that is a long time, as any parent can testify to!)
It is good to have fun but this must always be done by not compromising our Islamic way of life!!!
By the same token, it is not a bad idea to take time out during these pressure-free holidays to reflect and possibly change our positions and life for the better.

There is an area that is largely ignored by parents when they go on holidays and that is how to guide their children to a pleasurable, fun and sin-free vacation. Very often, the newer generations of Muslims growing up in the West have little guidance and sometimes even less knowledge of the Islamic rules that govern our Islamic way of life and they often end up imitating the free unislamic western lifestyle that surrounds them. Sometimes, due to parent’s commitments, kids find themselves in vacation camps and Day-Care Centres which are deprived of an Islamic environment and culture.

No doubt, if we don't take a proactive approach to maintaining our iman (faith), we might really lose it. The vacation represents an ideal opportunity to boost one's deen (religion). However if it's spent inappropriately, it can lead to disastrous consequences. If we truly value our faith, it is imperative that we use this opportunity to its fullest extent.

Parents have a great responsibility to guide their children to an Islamic lifestyle and to provide a vice-free environment. They should use all available strategies to carry out this responsibility effectively and successfully. This can be achieved by attempting to implement useful activities. Here are some simple and inexpensive suggestions of how to keep the holidays lively,Islamic and exciting for the whole family. After all, bored people are boring people!

PRAYER - Parents should ensure that prayers are performed punctually and children are motivated and keen to pray on time, especially when their children are with them. This will help the children learn the importance of prayer and the value of time. The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) as said, "Refresh yourselves with Prayer…" (Hadith Al-Bukhari).Men should perform prayer at the Masjid. However if on vacation a Masjid is not close by then pray together as a family. Prayer in Jamaat(congregation) is better than praying alone. Let the teenage boys call out the adhaan. Make the youngest one the salaat manager, taking care of prayer rugs, timing, and inviting everyone to salaat. Salaah is an integral part of a Muslims life and should NOT be missed.

ENVIRONMENT- Always remain within an environment that is Islamic and free from sin. Psychologist emphasize that environment has a great effect on the upbringing of kids. Plan visits to places that do not in any way encroach on our Islamic way of life. Parents should try to keep their children away from the immoral scenes that people usually see in holiday resorts during vacations. The free intermingling of sexes is totally prohibited in Islam. Children are vulnerable and very easily succumb to peer pressure. Parents need to be diplomatically assertive and consistent in emphasizing Islamic values.

INTERACT- Regular interaction with your children is vital. Teach them with wisdom and “cool” behaviour. Trying to appear "cool" in front of their peers during adolescence brings tremendous pressure on children. Children often don't feel that their parents know what's“cool” and what's happening, so they turn to their peer group for the answers by trying to imitate them. By starting regular interaction while your children are young, parents can ensure that their kids will use them as their role models and not their peer groups. Time spent with children enhances the parent-child relationship, so that in their later life children will emulate their parents' values and attitudes and that makes the gift of time the greatest gift of all.

TEACH- Vacations are an excellent opportunity to teach our kids in an interactive way. Plan tasks, projects, games which have an Islamic flavour to it. Parents should take the vacations as an opportunity to indirectly set good examples to their children for cooperation, kindness, and truthfulness. Learn and teach the rules of Islam in an interactive and practical way. Encourage the reading of Qurán and Hadith. Encourage the kids to have Taalim.(Islamic education).Let them compete in memorizing the Qur'an and learning the Hadith. This will encourage them to inculcate real commitment to the Qur'an and the Sunnah.

READ- Kids have loads of time and will become easily bored if not kept occupied. Introduce them to good Islamic books. Reading material should be carefully selected as you don't want your kids to be adversely affected by unislamic literature. Parents should seize the opportunity of their free time in the holidays to tell their children stories from the Qur'an that impart good morals, enhance spirituality and help build an upright character. Tell or read to your children stories on some nights before bed. There are lots of excellent Islamic stories and books available that you can use or you can make up your own. At the same time, you will be helping your children develop Islamic character.

CO-OPERATION -Muslim parents should help disseminate the cooperative spirit among their sons and daughters during the holidays. This can be achieved by teaching the children the benefits of working together and learning to be patient in achieving their goals, in an attempt to make them realize the importance of teamwork. Reward them where necessary. The family unit is the basis of a good society.

SPORTS- Sports can be a great contributor to building the kids physically and spiritually. Choose such activities that support an Islamic spirit and identity. Ensure that these activities do not encroach on their deen. For example when the time of prayer approaches, let them pray first and then resume their sporting activities. Teach them to use Islamic words in their activities. Instead of saying WOW! Let them say ALLAHU AKBAR(Allah is the Greatest), let them start by saying Bismillah (I begin in the name of Allah) etc. In this way they will be making zikr (remembering Allah). To be physically fit is part of Islam. Swimming, Archery, Horse Riding, Athletics are strongly recommended. The Messenger of Allah(pbuh) even raced with his beloved wife Aisha(RA).

HOUSEHOLD ACTIVITIES- Parents can motivate their kids to bake, clean the garage, re-organize their rooms, help set the table for guests etc. If necessary a roster can be drawn up.

ZIKR(remembering Allah)- Let them spend time making Zikr, Reciting Quran, Making dua etc Let them practically do it so they get accustomed to making zikr. The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) informed us that we will not regret about anything in this life accept the time spent without zikr. Verily, in the Zikr of Allah do hearts find peace." (Surah Ra'd) ... "Verily, the remembrance of Allah is the greatest." (Surah Ahzaab-Qurán)

PLAN AN EVENT- Try organising one weekly treat that you all do together. Ask your kids where they want to go this weekend. It may be the zoo, it may be an outing or it may just be going shopping. But it is a great idea to go on an outing with them on a regular basis. These little treats will be exciting for your kids and will remind you that it can be fun to be a parent. Organise a family gathering, Go as a family out in the Path of Allah, a picnic, a sightseeing tour, a day to the zoo, stop off for ice cream or to feed the birds in the park, visit the local orphanage, a visit to the kiddies section in the local hospital etc. Be innovative within the rules of Islam.

GARDENING- Gardening is an excelling way to keep them occupied and bring them closer to Allah. Let them have their own vegetable patches, let them plant flowers etc. Explain to them about Beauty of Allah in His Creation.

PLAY- Play with your children. You could play ball, colour pictures, build toy houses from blocks, or do whatever they like. Let your children help you with simple tasks. There are loads of activities that are cheap , simple and can be done together. The Noble Messenger Muhammad (peace be upon him) was especially fond of children and used to get into the spirit of childish games in their company. He would have fun with the children who had come back from Abyssinia and tried to speak in Abyssinian with them. It was his practice to give lifts on his camel to children when he returned from journeys. (Hadith-Bukhari).

LOVE- Show your children in simple ways that you love them. Some parents try to appeal to their children by showering them with gifts rather than giving of themselves. This may cause more harm than good. The simple example of Prophet Muhammad(pbuh).When his daughter Fatima (May Allah be pleased with her) would come to him, the Noble Messenger (peace be upon him) used to stand up, kiss her, take her hand, and give her his seat. Later in life, this personal type of affection will be much more memorable to children than receiving a gift that anyone could have given them. Don't buy their love- Win it!!!

SIN: Ensure a sin free vacation. Cinemas, Movies, Immoral PC games, Haraam Chat Rooms, Discos, etc will harm their Imaan. Instead of playing haraam music rather buy some good Islamic CD's(nasheeds, lectures etc) for them.

FRIENDS-The most important element of a successful vacation from an Islamic perspective is the company that our kids keep. Friends will either make or break our deen (religion). If a kid finds himself hanging out with non-Muslim classmates who are doing haraam it will have a negative bearing on his Imaan. Company of deeni (pious) and knowledgeable people are a great boon. For boys going out with other youth in the Path of Allah is an excellent way to be in good company. The Family could also go out together. In an authentic Hadith, the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said: "A person is likely to follow the faith of his friend, so look at whom you befriend." Tactfully persuade them to choose such friends who will positively and Islamically influence their character. The company our kids keep will have a profound effect on their imaan and personality!

So mums and dads be cheerful and positive for indeed vacations can be joyful and spiritually enriching for both you and your kids. It is an excellent opportunity to utilize our kid’s time productively and simultaneously develop their character and uplift their Imaan!