Friday, February 27, 2015

Dolce Bakery, Observatory

Dolce Bakery, Observatory
Isn't it great when you discover that little hole in the wall that turns out to be a hidden diamond. Dolce Bakery turned out to be just that. I'd come across them on the internet while doing my online stalking of new places to try and decided to pop in as I was in the area for a meeting. The crazy traffic snarl on the N1 made me so late for everything that instead of being able to sit down and try the venue properly I was reduced to a rushed takeout partly eaten in the car before my meeting. Do not ask me how I managed to eat pizza while driving...
Dolce does not look like much. In fact, when I stopped in front of it I was wondering if this place was worth the trip. It's located in a kind of industrial part of town, Lower Main Road Obervatory, opposite Woolworths Financial Services. The guy hammering down the paving with a jackhammer next door did not help either. They have 3 or 4 tables outside, just off the road, and a bar counter inside. It's not a fancy kind of place, more like what you'd find at a weekend festival. Casual and functional. So no expectations before I walked in, and then as I stepped through the door the heavens opened and light shone on the bakery cabinet and I heard the angels hummm...
But I was strong. Being pressed for time and knowing I could not buy a dessert takeaway which would melt in the car while I was in my meeting I ordered a Prego Chicken Pizza, a large pizza for R39!! Where do you buy pizza for R39?!? And a homemade ice tea. I had the ice tea while I waited for the pizza, it was excellent, and when the pizza came 10 minutes later I just had to try one piece before rushing off. To my surprise it was a beautiful thin crust base, crispy and light just the way I like it.
I rushed off with great regret but not before confirming with the staff that they are open on a Saturday till 2pm and pretty busy at that. I expect it's from people in the know who are keeping this little secret, well a secret. So the next time I go to the Biscuit Mill which is nearby and I get tired of elbowing the crowd out of the way to buy some food I'll just slip out and get some lunch down the road instead.

Besides, I so have to go back for dessert...

The Details
Halaal Certified

Dolce Bakery
239C Lower Main Road, Observatory, Cape Town, 7925
Tel: +27 21 486 9007

Oh, did I mention they have a branch in Cape Town CBD as well?
Shop 19 Picbel Parcade, 58a Strand Street, Cape Town, 8001
Tel: +27 21 427 9005


My Quraan Cover - A Story worth Reading & Sharing

 Ask our children:
1. If there are poor people around us, how should we treat them?
2. If we really want something, who should we turn to?
Now tell them the story:
Tasmiyah was an intelligent little girl who loved going to madrasah. She was in grade three and her favourite subject was Quraan. She loved reading the Quraan and she was a good reciter as well. Everything was so cheerful and joyful in her life. However there was only one thing that made her sad – her Quraan had no cover on it. She really wanted to cover it. In fact it was the only thing she wished for. Tasmiyah’s mother tried very hard to save up in order to buy one, but it was so hard to do so with the small income that came into the home. Tasmiyah had lost her father a few days after she was born. He was a passionate lover of the Quraan and passed away whilst reciting the Quraan. He left the world, but his passion for the Quraan continued to live in the heart of his one and only daughter, Tasmiyah.
One day in madrasah, when all the children went out for the break, Tasmiyah decided to remain in the classroom. As she sat in her place and read her Quraan, her eyes suddenly fell on Shaakirah’s Quraan cover. It was a very simple, yet a beautiful cover. Tasmiyah’s desire to have a Quraan cover of her own now only increased. She could not hold herself back anymore. So she got up from her place and walked towards Shaakirah’s place. As she came closer, the cover just seemed to look more and more beautiful. She could not resist. She stretched out her little hand and with her soft finger tips felt the fabric of the Quraan cover. Just then Shaakirah walked in, and with eyes burning in anger she shouted out, “How dare you touch my Quraan cover with your dirty and oily hands!” What Shaakirah did not know was that Tasmiyah did not eat any lunch during the break that day. There was absolutely no food in the home that morning. Tasmiyah was all shaken up in fear and just stood there in silence. This made Shaakirah even more angry and she continued to shout at Tasmiyah until she asked Tasmiyah that one heart breaking question, “Why don’t you ask your father to buy your own Quraan cover?” Just then the rest of the children came back to the class. Tasmiyah went quietly and sat in her place. By now her heart was bursting inside with tears and her stomach was empty of even a morsel of food. But she was a strong girl. She told no one and complained to no one.
That night as she lay down beside her mother, she asked, “Mother! Did father have to leave us so quickly and with nothing to live on?” The mother tried to explain to Tasmiyah, “My dear daughter, everything happens according to the beautiful plan of Allah. Allah tests some people by giving them everything they desire and others by not fulfilling any of their desires. In this temporary world we should remain thankful and patient and never lose hope in Allah.” Tasmiyah innocently interrupted, “Mummy! I fully understand and I do accept, but mummy please don’t forget, do ask Allah to please give me my own Quraan cover.” A few tears rolled down their eyes, as both mother and daughter fell off to sleep. The very next morning, there was a surprise visitor at the door. It was Shaakirah’s mother. She learned of what happened in class the previous day. So she sewed the most beautiful Quraan cover specially for little Tasmiyah. Tasmiyah’s face lit up and she immediately remarked, “Mummy! I knew Allah Ta‘ala will answer our du‘aa. But right now Allah Ta‘ala is testing me as to what I am going to do after He has fulfilled my desire.”
1. There is wisdom and goodness in everything that Allah Ta‘ala does for us. We need to be grateful, patient and not lose hope in the perfect planning of Allah Ta‘ala.
2. We must think carefully before we say or do anything with regard to others. We have no idea how a careless, seemingly innocent remark or action may break a poor person’s heart. We should always put ourselves first in the next person’s shoes and ask, “How would I feel in his/her place if the same treatment was given to me???”

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

When Soul Mate Becomes Stale Mate

When Soul Mate Becomes Stale Mate

While out dining with my sister today, I saw something which really saddened me. I saw a young, Muslim couple eating in sheer silence. Ok, so we know it’s the Sunnah not to speak when you are eating, but that’s not my point.
Compared to everyone else who was talking, laughing and really enjoying themselves, to me it seemed as if they were just passing the time for the sake of it. Perhaps I’m wrong, but it got me thinking about marriages where the fire disappears.
You know the scenario – where the only thing keeping a marriage together is children, finances or the family situation. There’s nothing to talk about and as for cozying up when the winter sets in, well, the thought of that is about as cold as ice!

What happens when the person you loved with a passion no longer holds that place in your heart? When you’re actually GLAD they are out, or grateful that others are around so you don’t have to bear each other’s company?
There comes a time in many marriages when your soul mate becomes more like a stale mate – almost as if you have outgrown each other. Like two strangers living in a marriage, with little or no interaction in between.
The truth is, the fire in a marriage only dies when you allow it to die. Life gets in the way, bills need to be paid and that love that raged with a purpose fizzles without so much as a spark. In reality, not having the processes in place to nurture your relationship will mean you very quickly tire of each other’s company. It’s dangerous ground by any stretch of the imagination.

So why exactly does that happen and what can be done about it? The truth is that 90% of cases like this are preventable. Once the honeymoon period is over, reality kicks in and people have to earn a living. Stress (especially over family or financial issues) is a MAJOR cause of problems in a marriage, and it’s hard to relax when you are worried about the bills or what’s happening to so and so. Spending long periods of time away from each other’s company is another cause of stress in a marriage and yet another reason why marriages lose their sizzle. You feel as if you never see each other and when you do, your time is spent worrying about other things.

Taking each other for granted can cause people to drift apart – not saying the little things like ‘thank you’ and ‘please’ and showing gratitude for small things causes upset. Women who are homemakers in particular feel quite ignored and underrated, especially when it’s expected for them to cook, clean and look after the home. The fact that it’s taken care of without being acknowledged can really cause resentment.
So here are some tips to avoid stale mate setting in:

1. Pay attention to each other’s needs – show your appreciation by helping your spouse in any way you can. Give your spouse at home a break. Housework is a tough and thankless task, as is raising children. Help do the dishes, bath the children or give your spouse the day off so they feel valued and appreciated! Plus, stepping into each other’s shoes helps you understand the other half better.
2. Make a point to eat together at least once a daySome of the Companions of the Messenger of Allah (SAWS) said: “We eat but are not satisfied.” He (SAWS) said: “Perhaps you eat separately.” The Companions replied in the affirmative. He then said: “Eat together and mention the name of Allah over your food. It will be blessed for you.” [Abu Dawud]
This hadith confirms that Allah SWT will put blessing in your food and satisfy you – so eat together to not only increase your love, but to touch base and earn a blessing at the same time
3. Make time as a family – it doesn’t matter how busy you are, make a point of reconnecting with each other at LEAST once a week where you are doing nothing but enjoying each other’s company for the day. I have a friend of mine who has been married 10 years and her husband is as much in love with her now as he was when he first married her. Their secret? Once a week, they have a full day where they go out, dine out, take their daughter somewhere nice and spend time to connect as a family.
4. Have quality couple time – even best friends will drift apart if they don’t spend quality time together. With couples, give yourself time WITHOUT kids and family around to worry about. Give each other a massage or a facial (yes, I used to give my husband a facial and he would love it!) and dress up in the privacy of your bedroom.
5. Dress up and make the effort for one another – sisters, this is more important for you because Allah SWT has commanded us to do this and in it we will find a reward. Allah SWT loves beauty, so make yourself beautiful for your husband and do this often so you are pleasing to the eye. Dress well and make the effort to SMILE and be pleased to see him!

When the Prophet sallallahu alihi wasalam was asked which woman was best, he replied, “The one who pleases (her husband) when he looks at her, obeys him when he gives a command….” (Nasa’i)

6. Complement each other! – Brothers, this applies MORE to you than the sisters. Know that Allah SWT has made women soft and they DESIRE their man to pay them complements. So when your wife dresses up, make her smile by noticing she looks good and saying it!
7. Develop common interests – are you able to do something as a couple or family together at least once a week? I know a couple who Mash’Allah work out together at least 3 times a week in their own home gym, go cycling with the kids and do a lot of sporting activity together. The end result? They are one strong family unit!
8. Develop separate interests too – sometimes being in each other’s company too much can mean you are left without much to say to each other. Having a separate interest means you are channelling your energy into something that will make you happier from the inside and insha’Allah will benefit your marriage and keep things fresh.
9. Buy each other gifts – you don’t have to do this all the time, but small gifts like flowers, chocolates, those earrings your wife was looking at or those shoes your husband wanted – all make a person feel special and appreciated.
10. Hug each other regularly – hugging and showing affection is a natural and innate characteristic – much like parents who cuddle their children. Not only is it a sign of love, but it also makes you feel secure and protected. Plus, it keeps the bond between husband and wife strong.
I hope you can see from these suggestions that there really is no need for stalemate to set it. Think of your marriage like a bank account – the more you put in, the more your interest grows!
Until next time!

Written by the Girl In The Black Hijaab

Reblogged from

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Theory of Red Velvet - Is it killing the Chaar Spirit?

Theory of Red Velvet - Is it killing the Chaar Spirit?


Areh Wah I tell you. I miss the days of the Classic Weddings like we used to have before. People from my era can relate about these weddings from the past. What Great venues . There wasn’t all this modern outdoor wedding venues like Usambura and Vi Venetto and Tuscan Cornetto. Benchod if it rains the Father in Law already has that look on his face like he lost half a bar in the Casino.

The Wembly of all Wedding Venues was LMA Hall in Lenz. What Maja Man. The Mohabbet. The Family meets 3 weeks before. The Auntys wash Meat. The Men smoke Lexington and Talk All night. As a lity you get excited when there is a wedding. You know you meeting all your cuzzies, getting two bricks and playing ball till late at Night. Areh Wah, What Memories

Where is all this now. The Young girls rather sip Cafe Lattes then Was Meat. They say Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeu….Like the accent from the girls in Clueless. As IFFFFF.

Now everything is catered for. You dont even see Small Litys que’ing up to ask for Openers to open the bottle Cokes. When you were a Lity you felt like you were selected for Transvaal High Schools when an Old uncle handed you an Opener.

The Teenagers 18 + had the honour of serving the Ladies section. Thats why many Indian men got married young. While the lity was serving Biryani, The Aunties were seeing how big his Potato is in his Platter.
The new weddings have also eliminated the Old Timers by the Dheggs. Legends in their own way. This was their turf. This was their ring and their Royal Rumble. If you come in or you from another Gaam. Arrrrl They Throw You out.
Which brings me to the topic. Areh Wah. Red Velvet. At Saleem Bhas Neices wedding in Laudium 3000 people were invited. All I heard was Red Velvet this and Red Velvet that. Red Velvet Cup cakes and Red Velvet Sojee and then I hear one naughty Aunty saying maybe we can give Groom Red Velvet Jockey like Eric Forester from Bold.

Areh Wah I said I must go to this wedding in You guessed it a RED VELVET SUIT.


As the wedding progressed I tasted this Red Velvet Sojee and Tea Time I tasted the Red Velvet Cup Cakes.
Areh Wah. There were like 50 different types of Red Velvet Cakes. All the Aunties kept saying Try My Daughters Red Velvet this and that. Then One Aunty walked past and said Bhai Gora Did you try Moosa Pheers Dortern laws cake. I said to myself NO. But she can feel my Red Velvet Suit.

Look what Im saying What is the fuss about Red Velvet Cup Cakes and Do you think All this Fuss is worth it. How Tasty do you find this Red Velvet Goodies?
Areh Wah share your views

Reblogged with kind permission from:

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Desert Moon's Diary: Beware of the Muslim swingers club in your area

Oh Allah, save our believing men and women from this Fitna and the fitna of Dajjal, Aameen

Desert Moon's Diary: Beware of the Muslim swingers club in your area:

Picture: A few days ago there was an article published with...

Monday, February 16, 2015

Surah Ad Duha

Surah Ad Duha was revealed to Prophet Muhammad (saw) at a time when he had not received any revelation for six months, not even in the form of a dream! The Prophet (saw) was in a very disturbed state of mind, feeling negative and depressed and believing that Allah was displeased with him, had forgotten him, and did not want him as a Nabi (saw)anymore.


Don’t we have similar feelings in our lives? Times when our level of imaan is low, our khushoo in salah wavers and we feel a drop in our connection with Allah? We feel like our duas are not being answered, our salah is not having a positive impact on our hearts, and worst of all the feeling that we’re horrible human beings, that Allah doesn’t love us or doesn’t care about us anymore.


Surah Ad-Duha was revealed to the Prophet (saw) to relieve him of these negative feelings and to give him hope, positivity, and the assurance that Allah is with him no matter what. From it we too can find peace, hope, and a renewed faith in Allah when we go through similar states of depression, sadness, and hopelessness.


So what does this surah say?


Wad duhaa— By the morning brightness


This is the first thing you need to hear when you’re depressed: Wake up, look at the sunshine! Everything in life is not doom and gloom– you just have to look up!


Wal laili iza sajaa— And [by] the night when it covers with darkness,


Why is this aayah immediately talking about darkness? As a reminder to us that the night is meant to cover and give us comfort and rest.


Generally when we’re depressed, we tend to get into a very bad sleep pattern by staying up at night and sleeping all day, thereby worsening our state of mind. This aayah reminds us to use the night as a comfort to ease our distress.


Ma wad da’aka rabbuka wa ma qalaa— Your Lord has not taken leave of you, [O Muhammad], nor has He detested [you].


This is a very powerful verse from Allah telling us that He doesn’t hate us and hasn’t forgotten us– reminding the depressed person that He is always by his or her side!


Walal-aakhiratu khairul laka minal-oola— And the Hereafter is better for you than the first [life].


Many times when we’re depressed we think: Is this all my life is going to be? Is it never going to get better?


This aayah serves as a perfect answer to those questions, reminding us that life in this world is temporary and thatAakhira is certainly a better, more permanent place for us than this world could ever be.


This makes us look forward to attaining our place in Jannah and helps us look at any problems in our lives as temporary tests of our faith from Allah.


Wa la sawfa y’uteeka rabbuka fatarda— And your Lord is going to give you, and you will be satisfied.


A promise from Allah that very soon he will give us a massive reward (Jannah) and we will be happy! Subhanallah!


Isn’t this the best thing to hear when you’re depressed and fed up with this worldly life and the problems you’re facing?


Alam ya jidka yateeman fa aawaa – Did He not find you an orphan and give [you] refuge?


From this verse onwards, Allah gives us reason to believe His declarations and promises in the first half of the surah.


Now many of us may think:  how would this aayah about orphans relate to the majority of us? Think about it– weren’t there many times in your life when you were sick or lonely and felt like you had nobody who cared about you? Who was the only one by your side at that time? Allah! It was He who took care of you and guided you out of that stage in life.


Wa wa jadaka daal lan fahada— And He found you lost and guided [you].


How many of us, despite being born Muslims, have found ourselves misguided and straying away from Islam in the past? It was Allah who gave us that hidaya and brought us back to the straight path and to Him and made us practicing Muslims.Alhamdulillah!


Wa wa jadaka ‘aa-ilan fa aghnaa— And He found you poor and made [you] self-sufficient.


Many of us have probably gone through many periods in our lives when we have been short of money and wealth. Now when we look back we realize that it was only Allah who gave us that rizq in some form and got us through those tough financial times.


When a person is depressed, giving him or her examples of how Allah has helped them in the past will strengthen their conviction and belief in the promises Allah makes in this surah for their future.


Fa am mal yateema fala.     taqhar — So as for the orphan, do not oppress [him].


This aayah is the ultimate antidote to depression!


Depressed people are mostly consumed with their situation and feel that nobody could possibly be in a worse situation.


This aayah reminds us to look at people who are in far worse situations than ourselves when we’re feeling hopeless and depressed— Look at the orphans,who have no family or loved ones and nobody to care for them. We have families and parents who love us, a roof over our heads and food on the table and we still think we’re in a bad situation? Subhanallah!


Wa am mas saa-ila fala tanhar— And as for the petitioner, do not repel [him].


Another example is of the beggar – to once again remind us of the many material blessings that Allah has given us that we take for granted – food, clothing and shelter. How many of us have ever gone to sleep hungry? How many of us don’t have clothes to wear? Or don’t have a home to go to?


These examples of the orphan and the beggar are ones we should constantly remind ourselves of to be thankful for the numerous blessings Allah has given us, get over our depression and feel connected to Allah again, out of gratitude.


Wa amma bi ne’mati rabbika fahad dith – But as for the favor of your Lord, report [it].


This final aayah is about maintaining that renewed faith and bond with Allah – by pondering, glorifying and talking about the blessings of Allah! Either in terms of halaqas, discussions with family and friends or even da’wah! Dhikr, reading quran and listening to lectures are also great ways to keep the remembrance of Allah close to your heart!


So the next time you feel disconnected, disheartened or depressed with your level of Imaan and your connection with Allah – read Surah Ad Duha and ponder over its meanings – Inshallah it will restore your faith and increase your belief in the greatness and power of Allah.

Friday, February 13, 2015

Beautiful Dua'a

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O Allah! Please grant me the one - Who will be the garment for my soul

Who will satisfy half of my deen and in doing so make me whole


Make the partner righteous and on your path In all the person does  and say And sprinkle water on me at Fajr Reminding me to pray

May the partner earn from hall sources and spend within they means

May the partner seek Allah's guidance always To fulfil all they dreams

May the partner  always refer to Qura'an and the Sunnah as a moral guide May the person thank and appreciate Allah For the partner at their side

May the person be conscious of their anger And often fast and pray Be charitable and sensitive In every possible way

May the person honour and protect me, guide me in this life

Please Allah! Make me worthy to be a loving partner


And finally, O Allah! Make the person abundant in love and laughter
In taqwa and sincerity In striving for the hereafter!


Wednesday, February 11, 2015

When things become difficult...

A message for anyone who is going through some difficulty in their life, be that in their marriage, at work, in their deen or anything else...

Know that this life is not a place of absolute happiness or joy. There are highs and lows but Allah will never test you with more than you can handle. In His wisdom and justice He tries people according to their levels so know that your trial is according to your level.

Also know that the brightness of day follows the darkness of night. So in your moment of darkness have glad tidings of the light which will follow and bear patiently with whatever comes your way.

Some days it will seem like your back is against the wall and you can't go on, but don't you see how the bird flies for miles until it eventually reaches it's food? The towering tree doesn't grow tall overnight - it sends its roots far and wide and then begins the slow, painful climb skywards. Likewise, your rise to the heights of jannah won't be easy but keep going until you reach your goal.

Yes, the road is long. Yes, the nights are dark and lonely but know that whoever has Allah, then he has the ultimate protector and to Allah belong the treasures of the heavens and the earth - He gives them to whoever He wills.

So I advise my own soul and then yours - keep your eye on the goal and keep moving towards it. The seas of life will get rocky and there will be storms, but in the morning perhaps there will be perfect stillness with no waves at all?
With hardship comes ease, with trials come rewards and with patience comes Jannah, Aameen

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

An ode to thy self

I sit and ponder of the days passed…
Had I not chosen this path would I be better off?
The blessing have come in abundance
Yet the light has diminished my sparkle…
I don’t know how the fix this or if fixing is what is needed
Shall I walk the road alone or endure the burden silently?
Days come and days go, happiness a fleeting bird
Away from it all – my radiance shines through
For you know not my true self
Strangers we meet are my companions
 Fleeting moments...Memories is all I am left with!
Happiness eludes you yet happiness is all I encompass

Friday, February 06, 2015

Fifty Shades of Grey: What Muslim Girls Need to Know

“OMG, the Fifty Shades of Grey movie is coming out!” a high-school girl I mentor cheers with excitement. I nod but don't say anything. “I have to tell my friend. She will be thrilled. It is her favorite book!”
I feel goose bumps on my skin, because I happen to know her friend as well. She is not an ordinary girl. Masha'Allah, she just finished memorizing Qur'an earlier this year out of her own dedication, while maintaining full time high school.
“You do know that it's not only a soft-porn book, but it also has some really disturbing material.” I remind her.
“No Miss, apart from all that stuff, it has an amazing love story!” her voice melts as she recalls the “love” between Ana and Christian Grey.
Last summer, I skimmed through the series to be aware of what our young women are reading. Needless to say, the more I read the book the more horrified I was.
It was the first time in years –after the Twilight series–that I asked my teen daughter not to read a book, and I explained to her my reasons, “If you read this book now, you will have a messed up concept of sex, and some content may even be emotionally disturbing and psychologically damaging.”
She promised, and since then she's been offered the book several times at her “Islamic” school. Not only has the trilogy made it to this Muslim country where I currently live— pornographic material is banned here– it also has found its way to the hands of practicing Muslim girls.
I understand that it is not easy to stop the young adults from reading a book, let alone a trilogy so popular that it has sold more than 70 million copies in 2012, even surpassing the Harry Potter series as the fastest selling paperback of all time . The book is popular in the West and in the East, among the non-Muslims and Muslims. So now that most of our teens have read it, who is going to do the damage control?
Let me start of by explaining why I'm alarmed by this specific trilogy though there are many errotic books available out there.
Because this trilogy has become more famous than any other book, sending the author straight to the top of the highest-earning authors' list.
My real concern however, lies in the plot—this is a disturbing book about a millionaire sadist who enslaves young girls under a “mutual agreement” and inflicts physical pain on them for his sexual pleasure and in return he offers them generous amount of money and cossets them with lavish cars, extravagant clothes and jewelry. Abused as a teenager, he partners with his abuser in a business and doesn't necessarily see anything wrong with what his abuser did to him. Moreover, since his own mother was a prostitute who committed suicide, he chooses girls who look like his mother so he can inflict pain on them, to satisfy his anger towards his her!
A young, ambitious, educated, innocent girl, who is not only a virgin but very naïve about sex, falls in love with him, even though he stalks her, traces her calls, convinces her to sign the slavery submissive-contract so he can use her for his sexual enjoyment.
Then…. they get married and after the marriage he gives up his addiction and they live happily ever after.
As it is we already have intimacy issues among Muslim couples. We don't have parents who openly communicate with their children and educate them about sex and sexuality. We don't have enough speakers talking to our teens about sex, especially female speakers. We don't have enough Muslim counselors/therapists resolving intimacy issues between couples. On top of that, if our girls are going to read books like Fifty Shades of Grey, they are going to left with a seriously damaged concept of intimacy.
Just recently, I received a request from high school girls to hold a “Talk Session” so they can discuss their fears about marriage and intimacy. Some of the girls specifically brought up what they read in Fifty Shades of Grey and how they have developed fears and insecurity after reading the book (yet they are in love with Christian Grey!)
I cannot discuss all the points in the book thoroughly in just one article. However, to highlight some major issues, I want to tell my dear teenage daughters:

Christian Grey in Real Life:

1. It is not okay to be sexually abused by someone and then accept the abuse as a lifestyle, just because the abused starts enjoying the abuse.
2. It is not okay for a man to lure a girl into marrying him with his money or good looks while expecting her to overlook his habit of objectifying women as mere sexual objects.
3. Decent men normally don't stalk girls.
4. Grey is domineering, a control freak, a stalker, and a manipulator. In real life, these character flaws cause real marital problems. Unlike Ana, most women can't endure being stalked, watched and forced into submission while compensated with wealth and erotic intimacy. In real life, most men simply do not have the luxury of gifting the company where she works to the wife while forcing her into submitting.
5. One legitimate fact in the book worth pointing out is that Grey has a problem with Ana's male friends. Yes, that I can assure you dear daughters, especially those of you who have studied with boys and have Facebook friends of the opposite gender from school or work, that your husband may raise this objection. Or if you are used to “hanging out” for school projects at a public place, he may ask you to stop doing so. You either talk this through before marriage or you should be prepared to “submit” on this point after marriage and keep in mind that in exchange for your obedience, a luxurious ski trip to Aspen in a private jet with your girl friends is not guaranteed.

Addiction and BDSM:

6. It is not okay to marry an addict especially if a girl finds out about his addiction before the marriage. This is a serious matter and unlike the book, addicts don't lose their addiction just by marrying someone they love.
7. It can take years for an addict to overcome his addiction. Addicts almost always have relapses and those relapses can take a tremendous toll on the marriage.
8. I've come across countless men who have issues of child molestation, mother-father family issues, and desperately need therapy, but they will refuse to acknowledge any problems with their behavior let alone seek therapy. Our hero Mr. Grey, seeks counseling even before Ana asks him to seek help for his psychological issues. Dear daughters, the unfortunate fact of life is that it may take months of convincing, even arguments, and at times even family/friends' intervention, before the husband finally agrees to seek therapy.
9. It is not okay for a man to inflict physical pain on his wife for his sexual pleasure.
10.Sadism/Bondage/Submission and Dominance (BDSM) are acts of sex that may develop among couples in a halal way but it takes time. Initially a relationship needs understanding and normal intimacy. Once both partners, especially the wife, become comfortable and confident then they may experiment with different types of intimate practices.
11. After both husband and wife become comfortable with each other especially during intimacy, they may play around with different techniques and a variety of intimacy including BDSM. However, if it reaches to the point of inflicting pain where a wife starts crying with discomfort, or her eyes overflow with tears trying to endure pain, that's crossing the line. There is a difference in “delirious pain” and tearing up with pain.
12. Spanking the wife for rolling her eyes is wrong (even though it maybe an acceptable practice among the Christian Domestic Discipline). Hitting the wife with a belt to inflict physical pain for a husband's sexual pleasure is physical abuse. A decent man will draw his own limits for his sexual pleasure and a wife doesn't need to burst out in tears and start crying for him to realize that what he was doing was beastly.

Virginity and Intimacy:

13. No virgin has multiple orgasms on her first night. Do not enter your marriage with this misconception.
14. It may take days to weeks before a virgin experiences vaginal orgasm. (In rare cases, it may take up to months and may need therapy)
15. Communication and comfort is essential in making intimacy successful and pleasurable, especially for those girls who've guarded their chastity and are experiencing intimacy for the first time.
16. In normal circumstances, acts of BDSM should not be practiced on a girl who's been recently deflowered.
17. Men are not born expert-lovers. In real life, couples have to discuss their fantasies and communicate what they like and explain their desires, and not just once. Sometimes these fantasies have to be explained many times before the spouse finally understands. It may take months, sometimes years before sexual fantasies become realities. The book definitely raises the bar of expectations in many ways.
18. Yes, sex is a lot more than just penetration (as most Muslim women complain about their intimacy being dry and boring) but most Muslim men are not as experienced and “sex gurus” as Grey, especially those who have kept themselves pure before marriage.
19. Grey can read Ana's body language and knows exactly what will turn her on and what will bring her pleasure AND he is always ready to give her that. Dear daughters, in real life things are very different.
20. In the beginning of a marriage, most Muslim men don't know how to make a women experience an orgasm during every intercourse. They need to learn and the wives need to help them learn. It is a give-and-take relationship.

Romance between Ana & Grey:

21. There is never a “dull moment” in their romance. In real life, issues start rising after a few weeks of marriage–real issue—issues that need to be talked through and resolved. These issues cannot be resolved through “erotic intimacy” and “expensive gifts”.
22. Unlike Grey, men have mood swings too and they may not be romantic all the time.
23. Men want their wives to be romantic too and take initiatives and plan romantic events, dinners, outings etc. Unlike Grey, real men are not always full of romantic surprises.
24. Real men in real life have work to do at work. They simply cannot romantically email back and forth all day from work.
This is just a brief clarification I can offer you, of not just one but three books about an abused billionaire turned into a sadistic-domineering-control freak-emotional abuser's “amazing love story”!

Reblogged from:

Monday, February 02, 2015

Lessons in Divorce

Lessons in Divorce
Narrated by Sister Ai'shaa

Within the last few decades, there has been an alarming increase in the divorce rate. Unfortunately, the Muslim Ummah has not been immune to this trend. In fact, it is not uncommon to hear of Muslims engaged in their third or fourth divorce. While repeat divorces are the exception, not the rule, it is important to look at the factors which contribute to this issue. Furthermore, when marriages break-up it is often the woman who carries the stigma of the divorce not the man. This is especially sad since the ending of a marriage is never one person's fault. The old adage is true- "it takes two to tangle." However, for marriages to work, couples must know that each person brings his/her life experiences to the marriage. This includes both the bad and good. A relationship between husband and wife has to be built upon mutual honesty, respect, and the love and fear of Allah. Without these key ingredients, marital ties are often broken.


When a marriage ends, it is important to take time to reflect upon what went wrong in the marriage. The Iddah, or waiting period provides us with this opportunity. During Iddah, we should reflect upon our original intentions to marry. Did we marry for the sake of Allah and to obey His orders or for other purposes? As Muslims, our intention is a large part of our practice. It is our intentions that lay the foundation of an action. If our intention for marriage is other than for the sake of Allah, we can be sure to fail. Furthermore, if as Muslims we find ourselves in our third and fourth marriage, we need to look within ourselves and refer back to the commandments of Allah and the Sunnah. It is only by going through this process, that we will find the necessary answers to succeed in marriage. When we look inside ourselves, we discover that there is some part of us that is undeveloped or underdeveloped. Sometimes these challenges keep us from practicing important Islamic principles, like patience and honesty in our marriages. Without correcting these issues, we find ourselves repeating the same pattern of failure over and over again.


I write to you as someone who is going through many of the things I am sharing with you. I am learning that when we lack a sense of self-love; we are sometimes predisposed to certain patterns. That is, we enter into situations knowing intuitively that we should not; yet, we do so for fear of being alone. We also move heart first into marriage with people whom we were warned about. Becoming a Muslim does not mean that you have to settle for anyone because you think it is a part of humility. Far too often Sisters accept too little Islam from their perspective mates, too little mahr, and too little of a man because we think that is what is expected of a Muslim.

I know now that I moved forward into a marriage without asking enough questions and without patience in Allah. I have learned through my own search for clarity, that my need to be with someone sets the stage for my current "meantime" experience. I learned that in my "meantime", my direct internal conflict was a direct result of my failure to tell the truth to others and myself.


The "meantime" does not need to be a negative experience. Also, it does not have to be a set period of time. Rather, it is the time to get clear about what you want and need. It is also a time to attain a deeper awareness of yourself and others. In my reading, the "meantime" is defined as, "a therapeutic review of your beliefs, ideas, and perceptions of what love is all about". When the divine reason for the meantime union has been fulfilled or when you have learned what Allah wants you to learn- you have incorporated into your life the true understanding of what marriage is. It is at this point that you will move into exactly where you need to be and with whom you need to be. A dear older Muslim sister told me that, "once we can rid ourselves of foolish love, we can have real love with our spouses. Once we give up the notion that someone belongs to us, we can enjoy the time we have with them."


Only through asking for clarity and truly looking at our experiences as lessons, can we move into the following phases known as the "Enlightenment Process". This information is not a formula for life- that's Islam. But, it can assist one in seeking better answers. The first phase is called Detachment. This is the development of the conscious ability to see you and others. The next stage is Discernment. More than an ability to see, discernment is being able to understand what you are looking at and how it relates to you. Once you can see and understand you reach the next phase-Enlightenment. The next step is Integration. This is the active part of the enlightenment process. You must now take the information you have and integrate it into your life. As you do, you reach the fifth and final stage, called Evolution. By practicing the trait or virtue you now know you must develop or embrace, you can proceed in your life making better choices and wiser decisions. Marriage is a relationship that has conditions that have to be there if it is to be successful. Use your common sense to see if all the criteria are present for a successful marriage. My dear sisters take the time to reflect over your relationships. With time, du'a, and Istikhara your self-reflection will become clear. Allah promises us in Surat-ul-Asr that only those of you who practice patience will not be lost with the passing of time, Aameen